Customer Complaint Re Zombie Apocalypse

To whom it may concern

Dear [Insert-name-here],

I have been patient beyond measure but the time has come to vent my disappointment in how things are run on this planet with regard to humankind. Earlier this year — although the latest reports point to late 2019 — a novel coronavirus spread through the human population (and some other animals), no doubt with the purpose of containing the spread of said population. This purpose was certainly noble. The execution of the plan, however, is falling well short of expectations.

Novel viruses, as everyone who has watched a single infectious disease horror movie knows, are supposed to not just kill people but also turn them into monsters that kill yet more people. This, I think you will find, is how effective human population control is implemented. You can call the resulting creatures however you like but for simplicity’s sake I shall call them zombies.

I will be blunt: we wanted zombies, [Insert-preferred-pronoun-here]. We wanted the real kind of zombies that eat flesh and don’t do a lot of anything else. We wanted the slow-moving, brain-dead zombies that bring civilisation near the brink of extinction and reduce us to our basic necessities, to wit, air, food, water, and shelter.

Our arguments in support of the above were solid and beyond reproach: a return to basics has proved to be the only way to at least arrest the species’ progress to a grim future and, dear, [Insert-name-here], I am not talking about the climate. I’m talking about everything.

We wanted zombies that you need to run from, hide from and kill, and, dear [Insert-name-here], don’t be offended but there has been no greater miscommunication in the history of humankind. Because we did indeed get zombies but these zombies are the wrong sort. Or should I say sorts.

The one thing that you got right was infecting a large — the larger, I dare say — part of the human population. Bur this was not the infection we, the zombie apocalypse crowd, expected and prepared for. It is an infection that spreads digitally rather than physically and while I would admit it infects the brain, it infects it in the, yes, wrong way.

So, what we have got are: millions of political zombies so sure their subjective personal view of the world is the singularly right one they are more like cult disciples than normal people*; millions of conspiracy zombies who are ready to believe the most ridiculous idea as long as it goes counter to the official science or policy; and millions of climate zombies scared the world will end in a decade (It will not and no, the planet will not become a desert/ocean unless we stop all oil drilling right now this minute.).

Of course, most of the above zombies are in actual fact social media zombies and were they deprived of their access to their daily dose of radiation, they would probably return to a more acceptable state of being and I dare say, dear [Insert-name-here], that this might be an interesting avenue of approach to the zombie problem the world has, namely, there aren’t any.

You see, [Insert-name-here], some say that humankind is basically decent underneath whatever most of them show but I’m not so sure. I think we are mostly stupid, in our cute little ways, but the opportunity to communicate with thousands of people in real time, all the time has made us stupid in new and scary ways that a zombie apocalypse would put an end to because it will put an end to most electricity generation so there will be no energy — let alone time or security — for online chatting and reinforcing each other’s confirmation biases.

In other words, [Insert-name-here], while I am not one to tell you how to do your job and I am in no way suggesting you should pursue even more new ways to make electricity supply less reliable, I would mention in passing that breaking the internet might not be a bad idea. We know you know the people who can do it. Then, you could move on with the actual zombies because we’re not giving that up. Just think about all the energy demand that will die with the victims of this apocalypse. You and I both know the planet needs a zombie apocalypse.

Hoping to hear from you soon.

Sincerely yours,

A concerned citizen

*I won’t apologise for using a word that is increasingly approaching criminalisation. Normality exists and consists in the presence of some minimal amount of common sense and basic ability for logical thinking. While the perception of what we think of as normal behaviour is contextually determined, the lack of the above is abnormal, regardless of context.

5 thoughts on “Customer Complaint Re Zombie Apocalypse”

  1. Really who needs internet to enjoy persimon jam?
    Never stop writing, you have a unique talent.
    Cheers (from an admirer of your genuine expression)


  2. Last Christmas, I gave a friend the Zombie Apocalypse Ladybird book.
    Hope they give it back to me this year, but they live in a Red Tier and aren’t allowed to do anything. .
    Normal people have holidays. This year, holidays were forbidden.
    Management insists that we must use those days now, even when not allowed to do anything. And work all hours to keep up….
    Next complaint ?
    Real pandemics are called things like The Black Death.

    Liked by 1 person

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